The last time was I in a play was in my senior year of high school. I was playing the role of Sharon Bates in “Book of Days,” a rather dark play. I learned a lot of things performing that role. I had to learn how to cry on cue; the most important thing I had to learn, however, was to be comfortable with not being the best on the stage.

One of my closest friends from high school, Michael, shared the stage with me. Michael played my son, so we shared a lot of scenes. It was ridiculously hard not to be in awe, and at times, jealous, of the talent he had. The emotions and delivery I struggled with came so naturally to him. This goes for Patricia, Aidan, Haley, Kieran, and everyone else on that stage, too. All of them are still my friends that I had admired and continue to do so. But, these were the same people whose talent would leave me driving home wondering why I had auditioned in the first place.

So, after that show’s final curtain, I decided I would not audition for a play ever again. It was a decision I kept to myself. Even my mother, whom I tell everything, will be finding out through this blog post. I had convinced myself that I was not adequate enough to handle any play material. Musicals? Maybe – I had some dancing ability in my toolbox. But plays? Absolutely not, those were off limits.

Or so I thought.

Last semester, I found myself missing acting – there was a true ache in my heart. I reminisced on my past roles in high school, looking through photos. I stumbled upon photos of one of my favorite productions I was in, “Our Town.” I played Mrs. Gibbs – it was the first dramatic role I ever took on. I worked extra hard during that rehearsal process. My dad was a high school theatre kid, too. He was so proud of me, he believed in me. Same goes for my mother, and even my older brother (and we know how older brothers can be.)

I remembered how when I got to Bryn Mawr and showed my friends photos of me in shows, they immediately wanted to know if I would be pursuing that here. I sheepishly would answer that I was not sure, and that was the truth. A steadfast “no more” was becoming weaker and weaker. There were so many options to do theatre here, I could really go in any direction that I wanted. Clubs that produced plays and musicals, main stage, Shakespeare, original works – my options were pretty limitless.

I told my Rose (from a Bryn Mawr tradition, WTF Week,) about my feelings – how much I missed acting and how maybe, just maybe, I was thinking about auditioning for the play. We were in our favorite Korean restaurant in Philly, Daebak, when I told her. Claire looked up at me, and put down the spoon beside her kimchi jjigae (and the mushrooms she had stolen from my tteokboki.)

“Do you have the time to do that?”

“I’m honestly not sure.”

“Well, let’s figure that out first.”

“I know, I just miss it a lot. It would make me really happy.”

Fast forward a few weeks later, I found myself in a read through for the Spotlight Productions play of “Vanya, Sonia, Masha and Spike.” After convincing myself that I had bombed both the audition and the callback, I was sitting at a table reading the role of Cassandra. And then, something familiar happened.

People began to read their lines and were absolutely fantastic. And then, there was me. I struggled to figure out what was the right in terms of performance. I would read a line, expecting people to laugh at my delivery, and then: crickets.

I wanted to run. I was going through the intrusive thoughts again. Was I good enough? Should I just drop the show? I had stopped for two years – what was the point of returning now?

And then, my eyes laid upon Gilad and ShelDan, our director and assistant director, respectively. I saw the peers who had chosen me and believed in me. They had seen my work, and seen potential in me to bring the character to life.

I left the read through and sat on the Blue Bus. I could run; that would be the easy option. I would not have to worry about a thing then. I could focus on other things.

Or, I could jump in with both feet and do what I had been missing so much. I decided that the braver choice, and ultimately the choice that would make me the happiest, would be the latter.

Jumping back in the saddle has been a process – I have had to find my comfort of being on a stage once again. I had to get used to receiving direction. I had to be okay with not being happy with my delivery and trying again. And again. And again.

We are now less than a week away from opening night. We have all worked so hard, and I am so honored to be apart of such an amazing show. Am I terrified for opening night? And the subsequent shows? Absolutely. But, being apart of this show and cast has brought me such joy.

I learned there truly was a hole in my heart, and I’ve filled that by being apart of this show. The people I’ve met are some of the most incredible people. They are kind, talented, witty, intelligent, and wonderful.

Gilad and ShelDan have been some of the most incredible teachers I have had. I have worked one on one with ShelDan many times on my difficult monologues, and he has been wonderful. He’s helped me with my fears and confusion, and has helped me let go and perform without any inhibitions. He has also become a good friend through the rehearsal process. We found out that we both know Latin pretty well and now sometimes we communicate exclusively in that. (We’re nerds, I know.)

The cast, (Ana, JR, Laura, Brian and Charlotte), have consistently left me in awe of their talent. Having such a small cast has let us become close quickly. I’ve sat down on the couch talking to JR about Brexit, I’ve asked Ana for advice on an outfit to wear for my first concert. Brian and I have sung through the Heathers cast album together. Laura and I have shared many laugh about a stressful part of the blocking (that maybe we shouldn’t be laughing about but we can’t help it. Sorry Gilad!)  I’ve annoyed Charlotte with my KPop selections when we were building the set, but being one of the kindest people I have met, she did not say anything until hour 5 of VIXX, BTS, and GOT7 when she politely suggested maybe something else.

Something all of these people have given me is friendship. The show will end, the set will come down, the costumes will be put away. But, I will see JR at Haverford and ask him how he is doing. When I see Gilad, I’ll continue to pressure him to take a political science class with my favorite professor. I’ll be sure to tell Ana all about my concert, and say “Salve, amici” to ShelDan. Even if I crash and burn during the show, known as “corpsing” in the theatre community, I will still have a wonderful group of people as my friends to have.

This week’s music recommendation is what I’ve been listening to when I need to calm myself thinking about the impending opening night. If you need to relax, take a listen to the aptly titled “Take a Rest” by Tora. I hope this week brings you joy, bliss, and the return of something you missed.